Also keep in mind, your reaction, which could have been provoked, can then be used as proof of your instability. This is a common tool narcissists use. Don’t give them this “upper hand”. Do everything you can to remain calm and thoughtful. Keeps the fog away, clearer heads prevail.
I’m so emotional right now reading this as I’m going to therapy with my partner and I’m the one who needs to learn to self regulate my emotions and learn to not take everything he does personally. Taking deep breaths, talking to myself and reaffirming that I’m worthy helps, removing myself and doing something else to take my mind off it, or chatting to a friend all helps. Thank you Barb for posting this at the perfect time ♥️
Another reminder for myself is "this is not about me". I tend to take on people's emotions and make them about myself and in turn taking things personally. But that's not what it usually is about.
I was very great at my job for over a decade. Never had any issues during my employment. As a people manager, my team and peers respected me and looked up to me. I was humbled and poured my heart out to these wonderful people. During the pandemic, I had a HR situation with my boss and had to report it. I took a paid leave of absence for a few months because of the situation and decided to not continue employment for my mental health. Out of the respect for my upper managers, I did not contact any of my team during my leave. Nobody on my team knew the HR incident and why that was the reason I needed a long break. After I ended my employment, it was brought to my attention that so many lies were spread about me and totally diminished my character in order to protect my boss. I wanted to reach out to my team and tell them the truth, but I didn’t want to be unprofessional. To this day (4 years later) I’m reminded of how many people dislike me and I never had the chance to speak my truth. I take all of it so very personally. I feel so bottled up. (Continued in comments)
Hi Ellie. The experience you describe is so heart-wrenching. After reading it, I wonder if there is anyone on your team that you would have remained in touch with as a friend if you had left your employment under different circumstances. I say this because I learned from a wise person early in my career that we all know people in our work environments by virtue of a paid relationship. When I retired, I stayed in touch with just a couple of people who are still good friends. I was a Superintendent of a public agency, and when I retired, my husband was very ill and died 4 months later. While I was still employed, there were several employees who were vastly unkind. They thought I was doing a poor job as a leader, and didn’t seem to believe that my husband was really ill. I have often wondered what they thought when he died so soon after I left employment. But, ultimately, no matter. As the wise women say here, how others act and behave is a reflection of them. How I act and behave is a reflection of me. All of this being said to ask if there is anyone from your former employment that you would consider a friend. Maybe reach out to that person and see if reconnection is possible. You could tell your story to someone who cares and have some validation. The other thing that’s been extremely helpful in my life is therapy. So, that’s a great go to as well. Wishing you the best. Laura
I don’t know how to move forward. My team meant everything to me and I cared so much about them. I wish I had stayed in touch rather than listen to my managers about not communicating to anybody during my leave. At this point, I valued my connections way more than my job. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad and that I could just move on. Your blog makes so much sense and I’m waiting for me feelings to catch up to the logic.
Ellie thank you for sharing your story... It's heartbreaking to be the villain in someone else's story when in reality you know that the opposite is true. I'm sending you so much love, and I love what you said in the end "Waiting for my feelings to catch up to the logic." That's the hardest part, our hearts take time to absorb and truly feel what we already know to be true. Wishing you healing and peace in regards to this situations❤️ Thanks again for sharing!
The idea that "the actions of others say everything about them, and how you react says everything about you" really struck me. It's such a powerful reminder that we hold the reins to our own emotional responses. Much like the weather outside, we can't control what others do, but we can choose whether to let it cloud our inner peace <3
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! This is a tough one... But it's beautiful how you are determined to continue to act with kindness. You are an inspiration as a cancer survivor who keeps being a light even when treated with disrespect, thanks again for sharing! You're incredible❤️
Also keep in mind, your reaction, which could have been provoked, can then be used as proof of your instability. This is a common tool narcissists use. Don’t give them this “upper hand”. Do everything you can to remain calm and thoughtful. Keeps the fog away, clearer heads prevail.
Beautifully said! Our power lies in our reaction and keeping calm❤️
I’m so emotional right now reading this as I’m going to therapy with my partner and I’m the one who needs to learn to self regulate my emotions and learn to not take everything he does personally. Taking deep breaths, talking to myself and reaffirming that I’m worthy helps, removing myself and doing something else to take my mind off it, or chatting to a friend all helps. Thank you Barb for posting this at the perfect time ♥️
Aw Brooke we're sending you so much love! I'm glad this post was helpful for you. It's definitely not easy to not take things personally❤️
Another reminder for myself is "this is not about me". I tend to take on people's emotions and make them about myself and in turn taking things personally. But that's not what it usually is about.
I was very great at my job for over a decade. Never had any issues during my employment. As a people manager, my team and peers respected me and looked up to me. I was humbled and poured my heart out to these wonderful people. During the pandemic, I had a HR situation with my boss and had to report it. I took a paid leave of absence for a few months because of the situation and decided to not continue employment for my mental health. Out of the respect for my upper managers, I did not contact any of my team during my leave. Nobody on my team knew the HR incident and why that was the reason I needed a long break. After I ended my employment, it was brought to my attention that so many lies were spread about me and totally diminished my character in order to protect my boss. I wanted to reach out to my team and tell them the truth, but I didn’t want to be unprofessional. To this day (4 years later) I’m reminded of how many people dislike me and I never had the chance to speak my truth. I take all of it so very personally. I feel so bottled up. (Continued in comments)
Hi Ellie. The experience you describe is so heart-wrenching. After reading it, I wonder if there is anyone on your team that you would have remained in touch with as a friend if you had left your employment under different circumstances. I say this because I learned from a wise person early in my career that we all know people in our work environments by virtue of a paid relationship. When I retired, I stayed in touch with just a couple of people who are still good friends. I was a Superintendent of a public agency, and when I retired, my husband was very ill and died 4 months later. While I was still employed, there were several employees who were vastly unkind. They thought I was doing a poor job as a leader, and didn’t seem to believe that my husband was really ill. I have often wondered what they thought when he died so soon after I left employment. But, ultimately, no matter. As the wise women say here, how others act and behave is a reflection of them. How I act and behave is a reflection of me. All of this being said to ask if there is anyone from your former employment that you would consider a friend. Maybe reach out to that person and see if reconnection is possible. You could tell your story to someone who cares and have some validation. The other thing that’s been extremely helpful in my life is therapy. So, that’s a great go to as well. Wishing you the best. Laura
I don’t know how to move forward. My team meant everything to me and I cared so much about them. I wish I had stayed in touch rather than listen to my managers about not communicating to anybody during my leave. At this point, I valued my connections way more than my job. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad and that I could just move on. Your blog makes so much sense and I’m waiting for me feelings to catch up to the logic.
Ellie thank you for sharing your story... It's heartbreaking to be the villain in someone else's story when in reality you know that the opposite is true. I'm sending you so much love, and I love what you said in the end "Waiting for my feelings to catch up to the logic." That's the hardest part, our hearts take time to absorb and truly feel what we already know to be true. Wishing you healing and peace in regards to this situations❤️ Thanks again for sharing!
The idea that "the actions of others say everything about them, and how you react says everything about you" really struck me. It's such a powerful reminder that we hold the reins to our own emotional responses. Much like the weather outside, we can't control what others do, but we can choose whether to let it cloud our inner peace <3
What a helpful post, thank you! I always love your affirmations. Thank you for all the great content you're putting out there!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! This is a tough one... But it's beautiful how you are determined to continue to act with kindness. You are an inspiration as a cancer survivor who keeps being a light even when treated with disrespect, thanks again for sharing! You're incredible❤️